You Might Also Like
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.