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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.