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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one