Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?