69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?