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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.