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Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend