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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Ron is short for Aaronald
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier