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I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
HOW DARE YOU
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]