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I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.