You Might Also Like
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.