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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.