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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy