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Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*