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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Did I do this right
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
gm
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.