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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Just how popey was the pope today?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
