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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.