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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
his wife is probably gonna see that
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.