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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that