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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
At ease
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?