@Playing_Dad

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

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@SteveKoehler22

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

@robfee

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

@Kendragarden

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

@AmishPornStar1

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

@JanuaryJames

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

@AnOrangeSNES

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

@SteveKoehler22

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

@80sjams

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.