6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
That’s enough internet for the day
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”