@Playing_Dad

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

@okimstillhungry

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

@TheRobCee

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

@FeelingEuphoric

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

@uncle_fescue

I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.

@ibid78

I have batlike reflexes.
-You mean catlike reflexes?
*screeches real loud right in your face to locate food and avoid obstacles*

@nbadag

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

@Palumbros

All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.

@chuuew

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale