[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.
I have batlike reflexes.
-You mean catlike reflexes?
*screeches real loud right in your face to locate food and avoid obstacles*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
All I remember about college is that everyone was saying the word dichotomy. The teachers, the students. I heard a janitor say it once.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale