Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.