Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL