Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount