Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.