6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
This probably isn’t good
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?