6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
You Might Also Like
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!