6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Saturday
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
This is a bad sign
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT