Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

two people or more is called a problem

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.