Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Breaking news:

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Animal poetry

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer