Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.