Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Lord..

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

cyclists

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

I…do not understand how electricity works.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,