Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.