6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.