6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Best misinterpreted text ever!
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Rambo Rambow
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.