6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win