6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.