Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

Get off my horse you stupid moon

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

I pray every night that I never become religious…

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn