6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Thanks to a fan for this one.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.