6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.