6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Jogging
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.