Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.

-me sharing my fries

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

☠️ ☠️

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.