6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.