Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

new dr. seuss book dropping:

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO