Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records