Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

They’re called werewolves.