Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

the composer

She might be a genius

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”