Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?