Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

Cardio Made Easy

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Catering service