Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

If you are reading this then you are reading this

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

When I pack too much for a short trip.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”