6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Gemma Correll
◾️
👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.