6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*orders delivery*
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.