Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

jesus christ confetti not now

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

buys donuts instead

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.