Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

I have never related to anyone more.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

I’m putting together a team

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???