6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
You Might Also Like
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
gentlemen, hear me out
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I am HOWLING at this
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.