6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
You Might Also Like
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
also my go-to takeaway order
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?