Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!