Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage