Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

I can’t stop watching this.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men