6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.