6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.