6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.