Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Not all heroes wear capes.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

I’ve had relationships like this

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.