6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.