6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
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how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving