Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

Lmao 🤣

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.