Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Worst Native American name ever.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times