6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
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*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Spring cleaning checklist…
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”