6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
