6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” đ
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldnât I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If I was a princess Iâd wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho Iâm not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didnât overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Roy Batty: “Iâve seen things you people wouldnât believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Iâve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and Iâm really starting to think that my friends & I arenât going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And thatâs just sad.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we donât do that anymore.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying âwhy watch Shrek⌠when you can BE Shrekâ
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, âNo we all seem to enjoy it.â
Please quit telling me to âkeep up the good workâ the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothyâs problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I donât get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. Iâm sending a pizza down to check it out.
5 years ago my dad texted me âi dreamed up the title of a poem last nightâ and i said âwhat was the titleâ and he said âThoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selvesâ and i have thought of that every day since.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, itâs not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much