Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.