6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
You Might Also Like
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
HOW DARE YOU
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers