6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
🦝🔥🦝🔥
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea