6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*skinny dips into black hole
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji