6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Labreador
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
what it’s like dating me:
Bread puns are on the rise!
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
emergency phone
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.