6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” đź’€
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I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using