Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.