Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

sometimes i miss this memes

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt